


Nameless

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 02:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8233031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: What's in a name?





	

His name is Kylo. That is his only name, now. He’s not Kylo Ren, because he denounced those Knights, that Order.

He’s not Kylo the Jedi. He could never be Kylo the Jedi. He’s… not Organa, because how can he face his mother, knowing what he did? He’s not Solo, because how could he… after… after…

He’s Kylo Nothingman. He’s a half-person, reduced to a single, two-syllable moniker. He’s got no rank, no title, no family. 

And it’s all his fault.

He has no one to blame but himself.

But it hurts. It hurts when he hears the breath that falls when a surname should be. Or the way he sees eyes sharpen and moods tighten like coats against the cold when they recognise who he is. He knows he deserves it all, and he _hates_ the knowledge like he hates each side that never felt like _home_.

At night. One night. Creeping where he thinks no one will find him. Seeking memories that hurt to touch onboard a ship that is no longer _his_ birthright. Like the saber, it forsook him. He is an orphan in all but name - hah - as he remembers. Remembers being on shoulders, remembers tall tales. Battles with holo characters he really shouldn’t have won. Hot cocoa. Warm kisses. Cold transparisteel viewscreen under his smudgy nose.

All of these things were his, and he gave them all away.

From behind, he hears a low purring, a query, a name that normally leaves an ice-bath down his spine.

<< _Ben >>_

He’s not Ben. Or… not any more. Once, he was. And that boy is here, pushing his fingers over old wounds. Pulling at unhealed scabs, like the scar tissue the voice left behind in his darkest, most awful memory of all.

He was Ben. He remembers being Ben. Sometimes he wishes Ben had been stronger, braver, smarter. He wishes the boy had been enough. He turns and looks up to the eyes that saw him then, that know his story from beginning and will likely know past his end.

He wants to be him, and he doesn’t. Ben hadn’t been enough, but Kylo had been no better. Neither of them was good enough, and he doesn’t know who _he_ is, now. Someone formless, someone hurting, someone pulled between two poles. 

Whoever he is, he turns into his uncle’s arms. Buries himself in fur, and holds on. _I’m sorry I wasn’t enough._ He can’t say it, but he thinks it so hard that Chewie must hear anyway.

A hand on his head, still so small in comparison, but taller now than he ever was. 

<< _We should never have let you leave._ >>

If only it was that easy. If only it ever was.


End file.
